Being Refined

Get ready for a novel...

I never thought something like this would happen to us.  To our first baby.  I think every mom imagines a healthy child without any problems.  Or maybe it's just me.  But I did.  I imagined a healthy pregnancy (check), a smooth delivery (check!), and a healthy newborn (hmm..not sure I can say that).  Joshua has been sick since he was 2 weeks old.  It started as a stuff nose.  I took him to the doctor that same day it started.  I am sure a lot of people probably thought I was a little overreactive.  Maybe I was?  But that's me.  When he didn't poop for 36 hours, I called the doctor to find out what I could do.   Overreacting? Maybe, but I love my son.  When he got a cough last Wednesday, I took him to the doctor on Thursday.  Overreacting? Maybe, but I knew something wasn't right.  He wasn't eating as much as he usually does.  He threw up Thursday night after I had fed him. Talk about emotional. I was balling. Why wasn't he getting better?!  I was angry and tired of him being sick. All I wanted was a healthy baby.  I was tired of being told he's fine.  On Saturday, something changed. I can't describe it but I knew something wasn't right.  He was extra sleepy, his cry was hoarse and just not himself.  He had thrown up again that Friday.  I think only moms can really understand when their children aren't feeling themselves.  So again, to the ER Saturday night.  Guess what...they tell me at this point there is nothing they can do, no treatment, etc.  There is no reason to suspect RSV.  Gosh darn it!! Someone please tell me what's wrong with him.  Of course in the ER, he ate better than he had since Wednesday. He was even pretty alert.

Sunday came and still the same thing.  Not eating well, sleeping ALL the time.  I was at my breaking point. And I was feeling really bad physically myself.  I had horrible sinus congestion. Sunday night came and I had to wake him up to feed him after 4 hours all night long.  6am came and we went into the bathroom and ran a hot shower hoping the steam would help loosen things up.  No luck. Still sounded the same.  I cried off and on all day long. Something wasn't right.  Night time came and Jeff and I again went in the bathroom in hopes that the steam would help.  After we got out of the bathroom we were just holding him and he felt warm.  We took his temperature.  101.0  Took it again...101.4 NOT GOOD.  I told Jeff we needed to call the pediatrician now.  Thankfully, he was on board with that.  He later told me he could tell something was wrong when he picked him up and his face looked thinner :(  

He had been weighed in the doctor's office Thursday.  He was 11 lbs 3 oz.  

So anyways...I page the doctor.  It was the longest 20 min of my life.  We listened to some worship music as I held him and rocked him and prayed.  Brings me to tears just thinking about how sick he was. 

When Dr. Fox called, I started balling. I told her I was sick of this.  I was so tired of him being sick and not getting any better.  She was very sympathetic reassuring me I was doing the right thing, to take a deep breath.  I told her everything that had happened and she told me we needed to have him admitted.  Thankfully she told us to go right up to the pediatric floor so we could avoid the ER that night.  

When we got here, his oxygen was in the low 80s :(  And he was down to 10 lbs 12 oz.  Poor little thing!  So he immediately was put on oxygen through nasal cannulas.  That allowed me a little relief so he wouldn't have to work so hard to get oxygen through his body.  Then we went down to get an IV put in and some lab work done.  This is about 12:30-1am at this point.  He was so sick and dehydrated he didn't even cry for the 6 sticks they had to do until they found a vein that would work.  Worst 2 hours of my life.  The tried 4 times then had us take a break.  The doctor came in at that point and she talked with us about what she suspected.  She thought it would be RSV. But because he looked so bad, she wanted to do a spinal tap to make sure we weren't overlooking something else.  That was a really hard decision. I hated to risk overlooking something and we hated to put him through that procedure if it was really uneccessary.  So we decided to go ahead and do it.  We cried and prayed all the way down the hall to his room (she recommended we don't watch).  We read some scripture, felt at peace and waiting about 10 minutes.  We heard him cry which was actually a good thing.  The doctor felt like it would be a good thing if he cried.  So we were thankful.  After it was done, I fed him.  Then they tried again 2 more times to get his IV going. I can't tell you how happy I was when they were successful.  He could finally start receiving the needed IV fluids.  He was fast asleep as soon as we stopped touching him.  So we let him rest.  At this point it was 3:30am. And I was already sleep deprived.  Hardly any rest that night. The nurses were constantly coming in, checking vitals, hanging antibiotics, etc.  

The next couple days were about the same thing.  Antibiotics, monitoring his oxygen, breathing treatments, etc.  One of the doctors came in on Wednesday and said if everything goes well tonight, he could go home on Thursday.  Definitely some false hope.  Thursday came and went and he still required some oxygen when he slept.  Friday came and went and he still required some oxygen when he slept.  He is such a shallow breather when he sleeps.  When awake, he's in the high 90's.  

I had a major breakdown yesterday afternoon/evening.  Jeff had gone down to the Final Four for some coaching events (and I definitely wanted him to do that).  My mom had to leave at 3:30 to sing at their Good Friday service. So I was alone from 3:30 to 9:30.  During that time when he was sleeping, he was still needing oxygen.  I called the nurse in and started balling.  I told her I was so tired of being here. I just wanted him well and I just didn't want to have to stay another night!  She told me to take several deep breaths and take a nap.  So I did just that.  Plus he wanted to nurse all day yesterday.  Starting at 3:30pm, he ate at 3:30, 4:30, 5:30, 7:30, 9:30 and 10:30!  Sheesh!  I think he was making up for last week :)  He was tested for sleep apnea last night which came back negative.  Thank you Lord!  Then last night, I stayed at home from 11:30 to 8.  I know it sounds horrible to say that your husband has been with your sick baby more than his mommy but that's what it had to be.  I was really going "off my kilter".  So my mom and Jeff took over last night and let me stay at home and sleep.  I woke up once to pump.  But I wasn't up for an hour and I didn't have to drive back to the hospital at 5am.  I was so thankful to them for that.  

The doctor said we should be able to go home this afternoon.  It's up to the nurses if he keeps his oxygen up.  So far so good.  His monitor has only gone off a couple times today and I really think he is doing so much better.  He is such a precious little boy.  Of course I am biased! 

He will have breathing treatments for at least a week and we will follow up with the doctor on Tuesday.  

Recap:  

Came in Monday night

2 1/2 days of continuous oxygen

2 days of blow by oxygen

Total of 18 needle sticks :(

a gazillion diaper changes (poor thing has horrible diaper rash from the antibiotics)

28 breathing treatments

A trillion beeps (monitors going off, IV's needing attention)

3 baths

At least 7 different nurses

At least 6 different respiratory therapists

Sleep for me since Monday night - a total of about 20 hours.  Hopefully I will be getting a little bit more here once we go home.  Jeff is such a HUGE help!!!  He has taken several feedings from a bottle which has been great. And my mom has taken several as well!  I am so thankful for family!  Jack and Leslie came up on Thursday night to visit so Jeff and I got to go for a walk while he was being held by Maggie.  

It still takes a lot longer for him to take a bottle than to eat from me.  He gets choked on my milk almost every time, poor thing.  Just thinking about it, my milk is letting down.  Haha. 

Ok, to the main point of my incredibly long post.  This situation/trouble/hardship/etc has been unexpected.  Again, I think most people think that certain things won't happen to them.   I was deeply humbled last night talking with a couple of the nurses.  One has a son who is Autistic, another one has a child with Spina Bifida.  My goodness, our son's small problem of RSV is curable! I can I get so discouraged over being here another night when other people have problems that last their entire lifetime.  Forgive me Lord for being so self-centered! I have been begging and pleading with the Lord for the last 4 weeks for Joshua to become healthy.  I was reminded last night that my will may not be what the Lord has in mind.  This tough week has again taught me to have faith.  I was angry with God for not healing our son before it got to this point.  I still don't know why we had to go through this. It is so difficult to think that I am only 25 and will have many MORE tough times to go through. Especially with children.  But thank goodness we serve a might God!  He is the ultimate healer and protector.  And His ways are higher than my ways. Thank goodness I don't always get my way, because I'm sure what I think is best, is NOT best. I have been listening to a song that is so appropriate for how I feel that God sees me as well as baby Joshua.  

Here is the chorus from "There is a Way" - NewWorldSon

But there is a way, there is a spark

There is a hope that you can hold onto

There is a lifeline come to the rescue

Just like a hand that's waiting for you

If you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone

There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way

Thank you Jesus for not leaving us alone this week.  We have felt your presence so strongly even in the scary and discouraging times! 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

I love that the verse is from Joshua.  What a great name :)

I am so far from being fully refined, as that will only happen when I meet Jesus face to face.  But each struggle we go through, I hope that I become more and more like Him. 

Thank you again to everyone who has been and is still praying for us!  We can't even begin to thank everyone of you.  But I hope that you know how much the prayers are appreciated.  We feel so blessed to be surrounded by such caring friends and family.

Love to you all!  Will post soon I'm sure!

How can you not LOVE this face?!!